Awareness

NabloPoMo - Day 6

Usually when I write about awareness, it's a good thing.  It's something that we want.  Something that we strive for.

But recently, I've found that awareness may not always be such a great thing.

Do you think I've lost my mind?

Maybe so... but hang on - let me explain...

Sweetpea has started to become aware - more aware - of the fact that she has diabetes.

And the fact that others do not.

Maybe that's one of the good things about being diagnosed so young.  I think she just thought that it was a normal part of life.  Something that happens when you're little. 

It's taken a year and half for her to start to see how it affects her life - beyond the shots and the fingerpricks and the counting carbs. 

Or maybe it's just the fact that she's able to verbalize it better now.

It's been little things...

We were watching home movies the other night and out of the blue she said, "That was before I had diabetes.  Right?"

She's thinking.... thinking about it...  trying to make sense of it.

At bedtime last night she said, "Why can't I ever have orange juice?"  I told her that it was because it was full of sugar and it made her blood sugar go high, high, high and then it would drop low, low low.  And that that wasn't good and would make her feel yucky. 

"How do you know that, Mommy?  How do you know that stuff?"

"Well, Sweets, I learned it in the hospital.  They taught me how certain food affected your blood sugar and how to take care of you and make sure that you're super healthy.  And you can have orange juice.  When you're low."

"Oh.  When I was in the hospital.  I had things in my arms.  You gave me a shot.  In my butt.  I wasn't expecting that.  We had movies and toys in the room.  You slept on that purple couch."

"You remember a lot about the hospital!"

"Yeah.  People brought me toys because I was sick."

Wow.  I had no idea she remembered so much about that.

She also has been asserting her independence more and more.

We were at a playground the other day and I was walking around with her.  Because I've gotten used to her not playing unless I do.  But she turned to me and said, "Mom.  Quit following me."

Geez.

She really, really wants to go over to play with her best bud from school.  But she wants to go home with this little girl in HER car.  WITHOUT me.

There are many reasons why this can't happen.  And I've tried to explain them to Sweetpea.

I try to focus on the non-D things... Like her mother is babysitting other kids.  She's WORKING.  You can't just go over to play.  You don't go over to play at people's houses that Mommy and Daddy don't know (Actually, We do know these folks somewhat and they are great - so I really have no worries about THAT. But...)

But Sweetpea knows.  She's not stupid.  She's aware.

"Her mommy doesn't know about diabetes."

"No, she doesn't.  And I can't just leave you with someone who doesn't know how to take care of you."

It breaks my heart to say that to her.  All the while thinking that not only do most people not know how to handle D - many would be too afraid to try.

We can have this little girl over to our house.  We will offer.

But that's not the point.  The point is she wants a little freedom.  And while I'm ok giving her some... it's got to be on my terms.  Certain people.  Certain places.  Not just anyone, anytime.

And that's not good enough for Sweetpea.  She is as stubborn as her mother.

I happened to be following Sweetpea and this little girl down the hall at school yesterday.  They were coming to find me to give insulin for her snack.  They didn't know I was behind them.

They were STILL talking about this playdate plan.  The other little girl said, "I can tell my Mom that if Dexie beeps she just has to look at it."

And although Sweetpea gives ME a hard time, this was her answer.
"Well.... but she has to know how to take care of diabetes.  And she has to know what to do."

It just breaks my heart.  Growing up is hard enough.  Adding this in the mix makes for a delicate balance.

The other night she wanted to go play with friends.  But her neighborhood friends were out playing at other houses.  People I don't know.  Without parents.  I can't let her do that.  Go off by herself like that.

But she doesn't understand.  And so she cries.  And so do I.

At the unfairness of this life.  At how it makes her grow up faster.  At how it forces her to deal with unpleasant realities earlier than I'd like.

I know we've got a long road ahead of us.  Dealing with adolescence and diabetes is going to be a struggle - and not just from the blood sugar end of things.  But emotionally.

I worry.  Adolescence is a time when you are searching for people like you.  When you want to fit in.  Be like everyone else.

How much of a challenge will be that be for a little girl with a BIG personality and an insulin pump?  Only time will tell...

I wish I could always run interference and handle all the crap that D slings at us.   I wish I could make it all better.  I wish there was a cure.