Guilt.
It should be a four letter word.
I have a serious problem with guilt. I feel guilty ALL. THE. TIME.
And I have a LOT of guilt about diabetes.
Shall I list them for you?
Why not? I'm completely honest here. But I'll warn you ... it's not pretty.
I'm guessing that you can relate. Maybe not to all.... but some....
So, in no set order...
I feel guilty because Sweetpea has diabetes and I don't.
I feel guilty that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and Sweetpea can't.
I feel guilty that I don't have to count carbs for myself or think about how something will affect my blood sugar.
I feel guilty when I ask people to watch Sweetpea because it involves dealing with diabetes and she requires extra care.
I feel guilty that J gets less sleep than I do due to overnight checks and getting up earlier than I do for work. It's his choice but I still feel guilty.
I feel guilty asking Sweetpea's teachers to do something special for her that they wouldn't do for other children. Like scheduling snack time to fit our schedule. Or asking for the carb count of food.
I feel guilty when Sweetpea asks for a special food - Lucky Charms, Sweedish Fish, etc - that other children eat but that I rarely let her eat.
I feel guilty when I eat Sweedish Fish. Or Marshmallows.
I feel guilty that I can't take this disease away from her and I can't make her better.
I feel guilty when Sweetpea asks to go to a friend's house ALONE knowing that I can't leave her with someone who does not understand D.
I feel guilty asking people to learn about diabetes or take on the responsibility.
I feel guilty asking for help.
I feel incredibly guilty that when Sweetpea was playing the other night, she was pretending to put her babies to bed (Daddy was her baby) and she was "complaining" because she hadn't gotten any sleep and was so tired because she'd been up all night changing sites and checking blood sugar.
That makes me want to break into tears.
I NEVER want HER to feel GUILTY about having diabetes. NEVER.
I don't EVER want her to feel like she's a burden because of diabetes.
I feel so guilty that my actions and my words might make her feel that way. I am so afraid that she will feel unloved.
I know. I've got some serious guilt issues.
I know. It's not healthy.
I know. It's not pretty. I told you I'd be honest.
I know. I just wrote a post yesterday about "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" and this may seem like small stuff.
I know - in theory, I know. I get it. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about these things. I know that I can't help it that it's her and not me. I know that people WANT to help.
But I do. Sometimes more than others. For some reasons more than others.
I'm working on it.
Because I know that the guilt takes away precious time and precious energy from what's really important.
Loving my girl. And finding a CURE.
((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteI hear you....I can identify with every one of those. I was raised a Catholic and brainwashed into feeling guilty just for being born, at school! (It wasn't a good school...) I'm over that now thanks to my wonderful husband....but still it's hard not to fall into that guilt trap, isn't it.
Well done for working on it. I believe that guilt is one of the most destructive of negative emotions and it drains you so that you can't focus so much on love. I spent many years feeling guilty for just being me and I refuse to accept that now. Love is the way forward!
Remember that you are an amazing Mum, you give everything you have to your little Sweetpea and she loves you so very, very much! She is a darling, brave little girl and it's you and J that have made her so. So there's nothing to feel guilty about. She doesn't feel unloved - this shines through in the happy smiles and the bright eyes in her photos that I was looking at yesterday with Isabel. She is a much-loved child and it shows!
You know this - you said so - but I hope that if you hear it from others you might be able to work through it. When I'm having a guilt trip (which still happens even though I try hard not to these days) Bob always tells me that there's no point wallowing in bad feelings about what I may have done that is making me feel guilty....he says, Learn from it! You won't do it again! Remember it - give thanks for it - and move on! The key thing there that always gets me is the giving thanks - if I can remember that whatever it was has given me the opportunity to grow and learn, and help my kids to grow and learn, then I can see it in a positive light, learn from it, get rid of the negative guilt and move forwards.
Anyway I'm writing a novel here. I'll stop!
(((((HUGS))))) again. Wish I could hug you in person but virtual ones will have to do, for now. Take it easy on yourself. You're amazing.
I was surfing around on this subject and found this....hope you don't mind me sharing it. Maybe it will help you a little, to work through the guilty feelings.
ReplyDeletehttp://viewonbuddhism.org/guilt.html
I sooo get it. The last part brings me to tears too. Not ever wanting our children to feel like they are a burden or to feel guilty for having "d". I would never ever ever want my actions to bring that on Joe...I know I complain once in awhile about feeling tired. I hope he doesn't internalize any of my complaints.
ReplyDeleteI feel guilty about the being able to eat anything...even worse...Hallie... sometimes I feel an intense jealousy of other kids that can just sit there and chow down. 4 years into this and I still cannot shake those feelings.
One time I said "I'm soooo tired of having to give you these shots." And I didn't mean, well you all know what I meant, but he just had this sad look on his face. And said, "I'm sorry." You want to talk about guilt. D really sucks you know?
ReplyDeletemy guilt lies so often on my firstborn, it's hard with sibling rivalry as it is then add d into it and urgh!
ReplyDeleteI feel so guilty over the amount of time I've focused on d rather than just been able to play with either of these two cuties.
GUILT = BLECH.
Guilt. Definitely have that here too!
ReplyDeleteAnd jealousy like Reyna said, sometimes when I see other parents feeding their kids and just giving them whatever they want, or not worrying if they don't eat a thing, it bothers me a little.
Same.
Guilt. Have that over here too. Especially when I hear Lovebug "complain" about her diabetes the way that I can sometimes. I try so hard but it is so frustrating. I don't want to hide it all from her but I don't want to make her feel guilt either. It is so hard to keep a balance.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, and did I mention the guilt of feeling like I pay more attention to Lovebug then my other two girls. KILLS ME. :(
((hugs)) I can't wait to meet you in a couple weeks and give you a "real" hug!
Feel guilt if I accidentally oversleep (which does happen even with three alarms) and she wakes up too high or too low. Feel guilt over things I know I am responsible for and failed. Yes, I do feel guilty over food I can eat that she can't. I minimize that type of guilt by not buying crappy food and bringing it into the house. Other family members do bring the junk in and we need to work on this. Usually I will let her have the junk if she asks for it (there are only a few foods that she craves and will ask for. She will ignore most of it). I refuse to feel guilty over asking the school (teachers, nurses) to care for her. That is her right and the right of many children who need extra care that is non-D related. I simply don't trust other parents to "get it" and any care while on playdates was given by us to her over the phone. When she was younger, play dates were mostly here at our house. Or we would raise BS, check via phone, and pick up after only three hours. I feel more envy than guilt, envy for a time when her life was more carefree without D. Envy for how easy it is for other children. I still remember that time. But unless I am responsible for something which I failed to do, I refuse to feel guilt. Have to let go of that emotion... it's debilitating and need the energy for other things. So wash that guilt right out of your hair, as the song goes.
ReplyDeleteIt helps me to think that parents of children who DO NOT have diabetes often are racked with guilt too. It is a parent thing...but we as parents with Children with diabetes take it further. It is only natural considering what is expected of us and the whole, "we are only human" thing.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something to say to make it go away, but I agree that it's part of parenting. I try to take strength from Caleb though. I see him and his happiness with life in general and how he has adapted. I try to say "yes" sometimes even when I want to say "no".
ReplyDeleteI know you know, but I'll say it anyway. You have nothing to feel guilty about and everything to feel proud about. You are doing everything you can for your daughter and she will grow up and love you even more than you thought she ever could because of it.