Gone Fishing

I love Sweedish Fish.  I find them to be especially yummy when eaten poolside or beachside when they have sat in the heat a little while and are nice and soft.  Mmmmm!  

The pool that we go to in the summer sells them at the snack bar.   I can't resist!

That is how Sweetpea first tried one.  She never really paid attention.  I didn't think she'd like it.  She doesn't like most candy.  And she doesn't like gummies at all.  But this one.... Oh... She LOVED it!

And ever since then she's been asking for the "red fish".  

I bought a small bag.  ONCE.

She loved them.  It's ok for her to have them as the occasional treat.  Or to have when low.  But once she knows we have them.... she asks for them constantly.  She doesn't WANT to eat just a couple at a time.  She doesn't WANT to have wait if her bg is too high.

We tell her candy is not healthy.  That NO ONE should sit down and eat an entire bag of fish.  You'd get a tummy ache.

But she knows there's more to the story.

She was playing "cut the rope" on our iphones the other day.  If you don't know this game, the object is to cut ropes in order to feed the cute little monster at the bottom.  And you're trying to touch all the stars in the process.  It involves skill and it's a good game for her to play.  Guess what he eats?  Candy.

Yesterday she said, "How come he gets to eat candy and I don't?"  Well....
I told her it was because he was a monster and that was what monsters eat.  And that she DOES get to eat candy.  

"It's because he doesn't have diabetes and I do, isn't it?" she said.  

I didn't lie to her.  I told her the truth.  (Hey, Monsters might eat only candy.  You don't know!)  But she knows there's more to it.  She knows that when she gets to eat candy it's because she's low.  She knows diabetes is involved.

A few weeks ago, I was at Target buying stocking stuffers and things for our advent tree.  And they had a holiday pack of Sweedish Fish.

I stood in that isle, holding that box of fish for a good 15 minutes.  Going back and forth.  Should I or shouldn't I?  Yes, she would love them.  She would be so excited.  But oh.... not great for the bg.  Do I even want to go there?

People probably thought I'd lost my mind.  Why is that lady standing there staring at a box of candy?  Is she lost?  Is she confused?  Does she need help?

Yes.  I am lost.  I am confused.  And I do need help.

Who stands in the middle of an isle holding a box of candy like it's either gold or a ticking bomb?  That inner struggle is something that only the parent of child with diabetes could understand.  

It's yet another one of those moments when you realize that although you look like everyone else..... you're different.  Why can't I be like the other shoppers dropping boxes of candy and tubes of m&m's into my cart without a second thought?  What I wouldn't give for life to be that easy for us.  

But it's not.  And those little things matter to us.  To us, they are big things.  

It's not just candy.  It's so much bigger than that.  There is so much more that goes into that decision.  Health vs. Normalcy  

I bought the fish.

They are still in the bag.  I have not been able to bring myself to put them into the advent tree.  I just have not had the energy to fight the "in moderation and only if you are at a good number" battle.  

It was the only candy I bought.  

But they will be in her stocking.  I'm hoping that with all the craziness of Christmas that she'll be distracted.  

But I know she's going to be excited.  I know that she will know it's something special.

It would be easier for me to have walked on by and ignored the fish.  She would never have known.  

But I would have.

And it's not about what is easier for me.  For me, it's about doing whatever I have to do make sure that she feels and IS as normal as possible.  

And sometimes that means buying the fish.