On the Outside

Have you ever felt like you were on the outside?  Like you were looking into a life that used to be yours... Should have been yours... But is not your life?

I have.  Saturday. At our pool.

It started out like any other trip to the pool.  We found our suits, applied generous amounts of lotion to our pasty white skin, and crammed floaties and balls and towels, and goggles, and other pool toys into our bag.  I also packed a cooler bag with an icepack, 2 bottles of water and Sweetpea's insulin pump  and cgm on top.

I tested Sweets before we left the house.  She was at a good number.  Although a somewhat low number considering I had treated a low at breakfast with oj and she had gone on to eat chocolate chip pancakes.  I knew I'd need to keep am eye on things. 

I never know how to approach swimming.  In true D form, she never does the same thing twice.  Sometimes the activity will hold her steady.  Sometimes she will drop low. And sometimes being unhooked from the pump is too much and she goes high.  You never know what you're going to get. 

Sweets had a grand ol time jumping in the pool and playing with her toys and such.  She had a bast!  

For me?  It was one of those days...

Sweets enjoys playing with pool toys in the baby pool. I like it because I can sit there and get some sun.  So there we were...  We had just started our day.  I realize that I have no idea what her bg is going to do and we have no safety of Dex. So I remind her that if she feels low, she needs to tell me right away.

The lady sitting next to me says, "Oh!  You must be our neighbors!  We just moved into soandso's house". She was very nice.  

But here I am thinking, "Great.  This lady knows me because she heard me tell Sweets to tell if she was low. Yeah.... We are the house where the ambulance came a couple of weeks ago and the alarms went off and woke the neighborhood.  Yup.  That's us..."

And then I overhear this conversation.  
Mom 1:  Johnny, you need to settle down.  You are not listening to me at all today.
Mom 2:  Mine are acting the same way.  Must be a sugar high.
Mom 1:  Oh yes... I'm sure.  I know how awful that can be and how awful they can behave!

D Mama on side of pool:  (to self) Ladies.... You have NO IDEA what a sugar high is.  You have NO IDEA how "awful" it can be or how it can affect your child's behavior. Do not say another word about a sugar high or I may have to strangle you with the Twizzlers your child is eating directly from the bag that you are paying zero attention to.

And then... I realize the wall clock didn't work. It took awhile for me to realize this.  To most people there it may have been a minor inconvenience. To me, it was a big deal.

  When I finally checked Sweets (Dex was out of range and not picking her up), she was 140. She had received a BIG bolus for the pancakes....  And it hadnt peaked yet.  I needed to check her in 15-20 minutes.  

But how do you gauge that without a clock?  The only thing I had was my phone. Which was in my bag on the other side of the pool - the only empty seat when we got to the pool.  I waited what I thought to be a good guess of time and checked her again.  She was 130. 

Hmmm....  And so it went.  Me guessing on the time, trying to figure out 20 -30 minute increments by the movement of the sun.  Me dragging my kid across the pool to our stuff to pierce her wrinkly little flesh over and over.  (Have you noticed how wrinkly, wet fingers show the holes and damage much more clearly... Ugh...)

To her credit, she did not complain once.  

And then there are the kids running around with chips and candy and soft drinks and what not.... No one is paying any attention to what they are eating. No one is counting.  

And so between the testing, the guessing the time, the eating, the conversation....  I just felt like such an outsider.  p not her.  And I know that we'll go back to the pool and everything will be fine (we have- and it was). And I know there's nothing I can do about some of these things...  My child DOES have diabetes. And this is just our life. And even with all the crappy D things included...  It's a great life!

There are just times when it hurts, when it stings more than others.  There are just days when it feels like we are on outside.  And Saturday was one of those days.