What a crazy thought.
Here's where it came from...
The other night, Sweets was running a little low. She had a low while in the bathtub scrubbing away all the grime collected from a day hard at work in school. She was in the mid 60's. So not too low... She was thrilled to have a juice box in the tub! What a treat!
After her bath, it was time for bed. I tested her and she had come up into the 90's.
I lay with her (or J does) until she goes to sleep. I don't mind this at all. It's a special time made for snuggles and books and sharing about the day and asking a million questions.
Soon she had fallen asleep.
I checked Dex. It was saying right about 100 and holding steady. Perfect.
But for some reason, I decided to test again.
She was 37. (Yes, I double checked.)
My heart sank into my toes.
I HATE lows that happen right as she falls asleep. It brings back bad memories. And it's awful to wake her up enough to treat the low.
For some reason, she can suck a juice box down in 3 seconds flat in the middle of the night without ever cracking open a peeper. But if she's just gone to sleep.... she is next to impossible to rouse.
I turned on the light. I sat her up. I managed to get her to drink. And a sighed a BIG sigh of relief.
But as I sat there with her... Holding her close... Pressing the straw to her lips... Encouraging her to drink...
There it was. The thought.
"How many times a day do I save my kid's life?"
Ok, maybe that is bit dramatic. (I AM known for my drama queenish tendencies, right?!?) But then again... not really.
What if I hadn't tested her? By the time Dex alerted us, how low would she have been? Would we have had to use the glucagaon again? Would she have had more seizures? Another trip to the ER? What if.... What if this time we weren't so lucky?
Most of the time, we treat this D life and the things it throws at us like we would treat an unexpected trip to the grocery. Just part of life.
Most of the time, we look at this life as just the way it is. It's our normal. We are used to it. Most of the time, it doesn't ruffle our feathers.
And we have to. We HAVE to look at it like that.
We HAVE to keep our eyes focused on the bigger picture.
We HAVE to keep a smile plastered to our faces.
We HAVE to look for the positives.
We HAVE to take it as it comes.
We HAVE to be strong, tough, smart, dedicated, decisive.
We just HAVE to.
Because we will not live in defeat or despair. No, we will thrive. So will our children. We will choose joy. We will love. We will LIVE. Despite diabetes. Or perhaps... because of it...
But sometimes....
Sometimes, for split second, we SEE.
We SEE how crazy this is.
We SEE the implications and consequences of one little mistake.
We SEE that we have very little control.
We SEE that we can do everything right and it might not matter.
We SEE that other people don't live like this.
We SEE that we never imagined that this would be our lives.
We SEE that it's scary. And it hurts.
We SEE that we are forever changed.
Those split seconds... they stop us cold.
And they makes us so very thankful that we even have the opportunity to save lives.
Feeling very ALONE right now. Thank you for this, I needed it. xo
ReplyDeletethose split second moments sometimes knock me right over...i hate the loss of control over diabetes feeling. thank you for posting this and so glad that you trusted your instincts and caught the low.
ReplyDeleteAhh! Im tearful, this is written beautifully Hallie! Last night Maddi had a 42 for the first time in a LONG time (because we have seen nothing but highs lately) and as I listened to her describe the low my heart just shattered into a million pieces....we DO save our kids, keeping them alive every minute of every day...sometimes when we step back and realize the truth behind that it stops us in our tracks doesnt it!? ((HUGS))
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ReplyDeleteSo very true Hallie, I try to focus on the good, really I do, but there are those moments when it hits you: my child has been too close to seizure/coma/death too many times and it is JUST NOT RIGHT! We plaster on the makeup and smiles, but inside, every d-momma knows that feeling of "oh my god, this just isn't right". Hugs to you, thanks for verbalizing how I feel once again :)
ReplyDeleteLoved this Hallie! Great post!! And so true...the hugeness of it all just hits us D moms sometimes and it's very hard.
ReplyDeleteWe had a bad night Sunday night/Monday morning. Scary, Sad, Painful, you write it so eloquently. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHUGS my friend. Some moments never become routine. Not new normal. Abnormal. Just wrong.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad she was OK. HATE those lows, but you know I'm a HATER! ;)
Well said Hallie.
ReplyDeleteThank you for so beautifully expressing exactly how I've been feeling. This post is very timely, as school is starting, and my Ella just started first grade in a new class, with new teachers, and new kids. Your post completely explained why I fell apart after the parent meeting her teacher held before school started. In fact, you explained it so well, I forwarded this post to my husband so he would understand what I was feeling :) While everyone else was applauding the announcement of the first field trip of the year, I was turning pale, and trying to maintain a stable blood pressure. So many worries starting something new, and hoping I've done my job well enough to keep her safe while she's in their care. Thank you again.
ReplyDeleteI am thankful every day that God gives me the strength to "save my daughter's life". So glad that you had an instinct to check her.
ReplyDeleteHow can we explain that we "just know"?....spent several nights last week sleeping with Kate because I "knew"..
ReplyDeleteThanks Hallie and all d-mamas for letting me know I am not alone. Sleep well dear sisters.
I'm so grateful that God is guiding us on this journey. It's so hard, but we are si blessed to care for such amazing kids! Good post!
ReplyDeleteThose moments get me everytime. Hits like a ton of bricks out of no where.
ReplyDeleteBut they live. And that is the true miracle. Thank god for insulin...and apple juice!
Great post, Hallie.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Brings back memories. I do not think non-D parents can understand what we go thu daily. My daughter was 10 when she became D. Now 10 yrs later I still worry at bedtime. We have never user used a Dex. Sounds like a neat tool.
ReplyDeleteTerrific and oh-so-true post!
ReplyDeleteHallie I love to read about your day in the life! I feel like you were looking into Emily's window at night for this one! It's such a comfort to know I'm not alone!
ReplyDeletethose moments, when we see, *sigh* such heavy moments.
ReplyDeletethe fact that we are constantly in life saving mode, as normal and routine that it most of the time is, sucks!
so thankful for those times when we get that little nudge and that life is safe again!!
Thanks Hallie. I hate those night time lows, yes, especially when they're so difficult to rouse. You know, interestingly enough I never realized that we are indeed saving lives. When I feel incompetent being a mom sometimes I should remember this.
ReplyDeleteThanks Hallie. I hate those night time lows. Well, I hate those extreme lows any time of the day. But it's more difficult when they're hard to rouse. You know I never thought of us saving lives. Thanks for pointing that out. I should remember that during days I feel so incompetent as a mother.
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