The Morning After

12:45 am  

I go check on my sleeping beauty one more time.  She's 220.  Tonight this sounds like a good number.  I'm so tired.  Yet I can't seem to fall asleep.  It's not my night to check her.  I'm not "on call" tonight.  That duty falls to J.  I resist the urge to snuggle up in her bed.

3:00 am

I awake.  I listen to the sounds of sweet breath coming through the baby monitor.  She's alive.  She's breathing.  She's ok.  I fall back to sleep.

5:00 am

Coughing.  Sweetpea is coughing.  


6:00 am


J is leaving for work.  Sweetpea is awake.  She gets in bed with me.  She is excited for her field trip to the pumpkin patch.  I feel her little feet press against me.  We both fall back to sleep.


6:30 am


Dexie is beeping.  She's low.  There is no juice upstairs.  I stumble down the stairs to find some.  A few sips is all it takes.  I'm glad she's with me.  We snuggle up and go to sleep.


7:00 am


We start our day.  


Today, Sweetpea and I had a special day.  Today we went on her field trip to the pumpkin patch.  We stopped for donuts on our way - a very rare and special treat for sure!  We enjoyed the sunshine, the beautiful leaves and the crisp, fall air.  It was a fun day!  A day for living!

Today, I see clearly the need to LIVE each day.  To be grateful for the opportunities we've been given.  And yes, even the challenges.

Today I know that I can not let fear hold me back.  I can not let fear dictate my life.  Or Sweetpea's life.  I must let her live.  


I can't let D win.


Today I feel even more passionate about the need for a CURE.  An honest to God CURE.  I feel more passionate about advocating.  About educating.  About making sure that people know that harsh reality of life that is Type 1 diabetes.


I've started walking again.  I haven't really exercised since diagnosis.  It's hard to find time.  And then I'm too tired when I do have time.  But recently, I've felt the need to walk.  The need to move.  I think I could walk and walk.  I feel like I could keep putting one foot in front of the other and just run away.


Not run away from my life.  Certainly not run away from my family.  It's more that I could run away from my mind.  From the sadness.  The anger.  The fear.


It's like I know I'm on the edge of a cliff and I know that if I don't keep moving, I'll fall.  


I can't fall.  I can't afford to get bogged down in the emotions.  I can't let it hold me back.  


It reminds me of this song.  Yes, we've watched Camp Rock WAY too many times.  But it's so true.  Pause the playlist and take a listen...

Don't close your eyes
We're all in this together
Wherever we draw the line
We're not gonna straddle across it
Or lose it

We can't back down
There's too much at stake
This is serious
Don't walk away
We can't pretend it's not happening
In our own backyard
Our own home plate
 We've been called out
Do you hear your name?
I'm not confused
Let's win this thing
We can't back down
There's too much at stake
Don't walk away

Today I know with even more certainty that we can't back down.  We can't walk away.  We most certainly have been called out.  

Now let's win this thing.