Lucky

Soooo.... D blog week! I still have 2 posts to do! (And I'm still blaming Blogger for being so late.)

The first post is supposed to be 10 things I hate about diabetes. My first thought was that thinking of 10 things would be easy peasy lemon squeezy. But as I started to really THINK about it, I realized that I've already written on this topic.

There are a blue million things that I don't like about diabetes.

And I believe that it's ok to be honest about that. I think it's ok to FEEL what you feel. And if you are hating D, go on and hate it. It's not always a bed of roses. That's for sure, huh?

Wait... No, it really IS a bed of roses. There are some weeds. And there are some nasty thorns that can get you when you least expect it. Or even when you DO expect it. Piercing flesh and making you bleed.

In my opinion, it's ok to hate that part. It's ok to get angry or mad or scared or sad or whatever. You don't have to pretend that part doesn't exist.

But don't let those thorns keep you from smelling the roses. Don't forget to see the beauty that is also there.

Look at the little person you love (or big person, or yourself). See the beauty in that life. See the strength.

So, here's the 10 (plus... way, way plus) things I hate about diabetes. And why they make me one lucky Mama!


Do you know how lucky you are?

If you've never had to pierce your child's flesh.

If you've never entered your child's bedroom with baited breath, waiting to know they are alive before you exhale.

If you have - but know that that possibility is remote and highly unlikely.

If you don't see your child's blood every single day.

If you can feed your child without thinking twice. 

If you don't have to count every morsel that goes into their mouths.

If you can send your child to school without any extra care, notification, preparation.

If you can let your child go off to play at a friends house with any added stress or explanation or directions.


If you can sleep for more than 3 hours at a time.


If the medicine cabinet on your bathroom is still functioning and has just about enough room.


If you don't have a sharps container in your house.


If your pharmacy does not know you well enough to call you by first name.


If you don't have to BEG your insurance company to give you
enough supplies to keep your child healthy.


If you don't visit a hospital every 3 months.


If you don't worry when your child falls down when playing or falls asleep in the car that he or she is actually passed out from a hypoglycemic episode.


If you don't carry around an enormous amount of medical supplies every where you go.


If you don't know what normal blood sugar is.


If your life has never been divided into before and after.


If you never spent a week in the hospital learning to keep your child alive.


If you don't fear a simple cold or a 24 hour stomach bug.  If you'd never even imagine that it could land you in the ER.


If you don't have to FIGHT so that your child can be like everyone else.


If you don't know what insulin smells like.


If you don't know how to fill a syringe. 

If you don't juggle carb counts, carb rations, ISF's, and IOB information at the same time.


If you have no idea what any of that means.

If you've never had to hold your child down to give her a shot.  Multiple times a day.  Every day.

If you've never listened to your child cry and scream, "NO!  Mommy, Don't hurt me."


If you've never had to answer your child when she asked, "Why me?  Why am I different?  Will it ever go away?"


If you don't stare death in the face every day.


If you don't really know anything about Type 1 diabetes.


Do you know how lucky you are?  Do you know how much you take for granted every day?  Do you know how much easier life is without diabetes?


Do you?


Before April 27, 2009 - I didn't.  I had no idea.  I had no idea how lucky I was. 


I had no idea how easy meal times were.  I had no idea how simple it was to get my child a glass of juice or milk.  I had no idea what a "bad cold" or "illness" was REALLY like.  I didn't know anything about carbs.  Or insurance.  Or needles.  Playing, dancing, going to school... it was all so easy. 


I had no idea.  I took so much for granted.


But now....


Now I'm on the other side. 

And do you know how lucky I am?

I know how to fill a syringe.


I know how to give a shot and insert a cannula.


I know how to count carbs and calculate insulin doses. 


I have insulin to give my child.


I have a pharmacy staff that is caring and kind.


I have a top rate children's hospital to treat my child.


I have a closer family.

I have deeper relationships.


I have enough supplies to keep my child alive and healthy.


I have been humbled by something bigger than me.


I have a school and teachers who love my child and care for her like she's their own.


I have learned to ask for help.


I have learned that I can't do it all.


I have learned to cherish the good days.


I have learned to enjoy the moment.

I have learned how fragile life is.

I have learned how strong I really am.


There are days that I hate diabetes.  I hate what it does to my child and me and my family.  I hate what it means.  I hate all that we have to do to just to appear normal and live a normal life.  I hate all that it takes away.  I hate all that it demands of us.


There are days.... days when I wish it had never entered our lives.  Days when I am so incredibly jealous of those whose lives are so much easier.  Of those who don't deal with diabetes.  Of those who don't worry daily about their child's mortality.


And when I have one of those days.....  I try to think of lucky I am.  Of all the good D has brought into our lives. 


Because I can't make it go away. 


All I can do is look for the blessings.  And feel lucky.
- originally posted 12/8/2010