Haunted

It's been a rough few days.  D wise.

We Had TWO birthday parties on Sunday.  And she was HIGH.

As in HI!  I hate it when the meter greets you that way.  New pod because I accidentally took the old one off trying to take of something else...  Changed bed sheets and nightclothes around 11pm.  Soaked.  She came down overnight.  But she was high as a kite most of the day.  Corrections didn't seem to touch it.  Number down to do massive rage bolusing.  New pod just as a precaution.

We're all tired here.  Tired of fighting this fight.  Whether it be on the sidelines or as the actual fighter.

Just tired of D.

But that's not the only reason it's been a rough go of it.

It's the blue candles.

You know what that means.   It means another life was cut short due to type 1 diabetes.

I'm going to be honest with you.  I hope you don't think I'm horrible....

But sometimes I just can't go there.

I see the candles....  I say prayers for the child and the family.  But I really try to not dwell on it.  I try to not find out exactly what happened.  I try to put up a wall... and not let it into to my life.  Or my heart.

I mean, it's not that I don't know it can happen.  I know.


It's not that I don't care. Please understand... It's not even close to that...

It's more like sometimes when I see the candles I can feel myself putting on my armor so it doesn't get to me.  Because sometimes I just know if I'm not strong enough to handle it.

But this time...

This time was different.

I don't know why....

This time I didn't get the armor on fast enough, I guess.

And this one is haunting me.

This one is really getting to me.

I hate the way that sounds....  Like other deaths didn't bother me in the least.  It's so not that...

This one... this one hit way too close to home.

I'm not going to use any names.  I don't know this family. I don't know what happened.  I only know what I read on facebook from posts.  I don't claim to have totally accurate or correct information.

But what I read was that a 14 year old girl passed away after a low blood sugar and a seizure at night.  She was unable to be revived.

I kid you not.  If I had been standing up when I read this, I would have fallen to my knees.

This could have been us.

Easily.

That is what happened to us.

I felt this wave of sheer terror wash over me...  And this overwhelming feeling of grief.

I am so incredibly heartbroken for this family.  I'm not sure I have the words to convey this...  We who live this crazy D life are a family.  None of us asked for this...  But here we are.

And the truth is, this could have been any of us.

But for me...  for us... I had a flashback.

I remember so clearly that night in April when Sweets blood sugar crashed and the meter read LO and she seized.  I remember holding her on the floor in the upstairs hallway.  I remember calling 911 and begging them to please hurry.  I remember praying to God to please, please don't take my baby.

Why?

Why wasn't it us?  Why was it this girl?  What happened that one child survived and one did not?

Was it just luck?

What if our luck runs out?

No one has any answers.  This is just life with Diabetes...

There is always that fear.  That little bit of fear that is a slight undercurrent to our lives.  Sometimes we feel it's pull stronger than others.

I feel that this is a rambling post... but that is just where I am tonight.  All over the place.  And hurting.  Hurting for my child.  Hurting for myself.  Hurting for all us.  But mostly, hurting for this family that I've never met... this family who lives across the country...  who is living my worst nightmare.

What can we do?

We can LIVE.

That's really all I've got.  We can LIVE LIFE.  And we can live it WELL.

We can refuse to let the fear paralyze us.

We can continue to defy the odds.  We can continue to raise money.  We can continue to advocate.  We can continue to support and love each other.

And we can promise that we will never forget.

We will never forget the reason why we do all this.

As our walk is approaching this weekend, I find that my resolve is strengthened.

And I know that I do what I do not only for my child.  But for yours.  And for those who are no longer able.