I've become a sucky friend.
For reals.
Don't believe me? Let's look at a few examples.
Exhibit A: One of my friends celebrated her birthday at the beginning of December. Her 40th birthday. Then we celebrated Christmas. And I JUST gave her her birthday and Christmas presents. It's FEBRUARY. And she lives down the street. Ridiculous.
Exhibit B: Another friend celebrated his birthday and I ALWAYS call him. ALWAYS. But life was crazy that day and so I thought I'd call after I got Sweets to bed. But then she was low. And then she was LOW low. And by the time I got her up and stable... I forgot.
Exhibit C: Yet another friend's birthday... I had found a card that I thought was perfect. I go to send her the card and realize that she had moved and I didn't have her new address. So I figured I would just CALL her on her birthday and I could get her address then. Yeah.... I didn't have her new phone number either.
I used to have it all together. Perfect presents delivered on time... Cards, calls, staying in touch....
Now? Notsomuch
I never expected that Diabetes would affect my friendships. I mean, it's not ME who has diabetes. Why would it matter?
But it has. And it does. And I'm tired of pretending it doesn't. I'm tired if pretending that everything is the same as it always was.
It's not. I'm not.
I used to eat lunch in the staff lounge. I work with an incredible group of people. We were always more friends than coworkers. But I've stopped eating with everyone else. It's nothing personal. It's not that I don't want to get to know the new people. Its not that dont still love everyone. It's not even that I spend half my lunch time checking blood sugar, counting carbs and dosing. It's that lunch is the ONLY time during my day that I get even a few minutes by myself. And I NEED that time.
And let's be honest... I have trouble sometimes relating to others. I'm just so far removed from the dating scene. I can't relate to going on trips - alone - with my husband and friends. My life is very different. And I just don't have the energy to put into it.
By the time we get everything done in the evenings and we get Sweets to bed, I'm just so tired. Sometimes, a LOT of times, the LAST thing I want to do is talk on the phone.
I can't just get a babysitter and go to dinner.
Sometimes I think Sweets needs to do things with Ally and Brianna- other kids with D, other kids who do what she does, other kids who don't make her feel like the odd man out. And sometimes that means cancelling other plans.
I have trouble with small talk because I don't know what it's like to send my kid to school without worry and fear. I don't know what it's like to be able to let her spend the night at a friends house. I don't know what it's like to drop her off for a lesson or a birthday party.
I often feel like I don't fit in anymore. Like I'm pretending when I try to.
I'm tired of pretending.
Now, it's not like I'm alone on this island. I have a couple of good friends who try so very hard to get it. They have learned how to care for her. They know what it's really like. They truly see the ugly side. I feel like they still get me. I don't have to pretend with them. I don't have to explain when I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open or when I'm feel like screaming over a number or an episode of tears.
That is priceless.
We have a little group of friends who we can hang with it. And it feels normal.
Also priceless.
And I do need to find a way to pull it together so I quit missing important occasions. I don't WANT to be a sucky friend. I'm just still struggling to find some balance.
It's just so different than I expected. I completely underestimated the impact Diabetes would have in every area of our lives. And after almost 3 years... I just thought I would have had it all figured out by now.
I'm finally to the place where I'm tired of pretending it hasn't changed things and it hasn't changed me.
No more.
No more feeling guilty that I'm not who I used to be.
I may not be who I used be and I may not be what I once was. And that's ok.
I'm someone new.
And I'm working on figuring out what that means.
I'm working on doing it right.
And I know that those friends, those people in my life who truly matter, won't mind.
They will forgive my forgetfulness. My lateness. My falling off the radar. My silence.
They will know that I still love them. And I still care.
They will know I'm trying.
And... They will stick with me through the highs and lows. In every sense of the word.
Its tough that Sweets is still so little, still so young. But it DOES get better as they get older, simply because *most kids* will be more able to detect the highs and lows that we constantly worry are about to sneak up at any time. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI'm SILENT alot too, still to this day. Even being 6 years in, even Having Maddison be older now.....I know exactly how you are feeling! Im a sucky friend too! :(
I feel like I could have written this myself. You worded it perfectly. I definitely feel like I can't relate to others anymore and the small talk just seems so meaningless when our days are filled with keeping our kids alive and handling highs/lows etc. Thanks for sharing and making me not feel so alone!
ReplyDelete<--- admits being a crappy friend!
ReplyDeleteYour post reminds me that im not alone in being a crappy friend. Just yesterday I was on the phone with a "friend" when we hung up my husband asked how this friend was and sadly I told him I had no clue cuz I wasnt paying much attention to the conversation..
So glad I have sucj wonderful company in the 'crappy friend' club!
ReplyDeleteIt's so difficult when there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do the things that HAVE to be done to find time for things we WANT to do.
Being a better friend is something I really need to work on, D or not!
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL 95% of the time!! Im a lucky friend too, but the good thing is that my friends love me and will always be there for me lucky or not..and so when you look at it like that....its not Soo lucky;) THANK GOD FOR GOOD FRIENDS;) AND THANK U FOR SHARING!!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter was diagnosed with DM almost a year ago and reading your blog I realized that is true my life have changed. Thanks for your blog.
ReplyDeleteOne of my three year old twin daughters was diagnosed with t1d a few days ago and I can really relate to this post right now. I am sure it will also hold true in the future. It was encouraging to read this post and feel less alone. Thank you for sharing the journey of your family on this blog. I appreciate the honest views of what the future may hold. Cheryl
ReplyDeleteWow! These words are so right out of my head...and my heart. I'm a different person now too, in every single sense I can think of. I believe that I will get back to ME, some day, some how.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I only know the "new" you, and I love you just the way you are ;)
p.p.s. You can call ME anytime you need a babysitter!!!
Same,same. Wish we could just hang out together and enjoy the silence, knowing the other one gets it. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI will come too.
DeleteThanks for this post. My 5yr old son was diagnosed with Type 1 just 3 weeks ago. I fear for his safety everyday. I worry when he is at daycare, school, etc. It is hard and we are trying to deal with it too. It is nice to know there are other people to talk with out there and that the things that are important have changed and that is okay. Thanks, Dawn
ReplyDeleteYour post made me cry because I too have been there...or are there. Things are different now and that's just the way it goes I guess. So besides worrying about diabetes, my daughter, regular parent worries, etcetera, I also added the sucky friend worry to my list.
ReplyDeleteWow! Thank you for sharing this. I am a lousy friend too. My son has multiple chronic medical issues and has had twice as many surgeries as birthdays in his short life. Even when everything is normal for us, it is always in my mind and no one in our family gets how hard it is. When your child has faced death and other major health crises you don't ever recover. At least I haven't yet. And whenever we gear up for another surgery (waiting on a date now for number seven), I go into survival mode where only the essentials get accomplished. Birthday cards are at the bottom of my list and I feel bad, but that is how it is.
ReplyDeleteThanks for letting me know I am not alone.