From this moment...
From this day forward...
Sweets will have lived longer WITH diabetes than WITHOUT.
She's 6 years old.
*sigh*
(For those of you wondering, J did the math. I assumed it
would be her 3rd dx anniversary but he pointed out that it would be
longer... Blah; blah, blah... Math,
math, math... June 18, 2012. I, however,
pointed that TECHNICALLY she had diabetes before she was diagnosed - probably
before her third birthday looking back at those pics. So.... Whatever. Here we
are!)
It's hard for me to put into words how I feel about that.
It makes me cry.
I hate it.
It's not fair.
She's SIX. She should focused on friends and playtime and
dancing and Justin Bieber. Not shots and site changes and ketones and blood
sugar.
It breaks my heart.
When I think about it, it makes me really sad.
And I grieve.
Because even though she is a wonderful, healthy, happy,
active, independent, spunky child WITH diabetes (and quite possibly BECAUSE OF
diabetes)... I grieve for the person she would have been without it.
The little girl who would not have been forced to grow up
too fast. The one who knew nothing of carbohydrates. The one who didn't feel
different. The one who didn't miss out
on things due to being sick with large ketones and high blood sugar. The one
who isn't used to having her flesh pierced everyday. Not used to seeing her own
blood all the time. The one who has never been to a hospital and certainly
doesn't know her way around more than one.
I'm her mother. I can grieve for THAT girl.
But the truth is, THAT girl doesn't exist.
Diabetes took her away from us three years ago. We will
never know her. SHE will never know that part of herself. It disappeared so
quickly, so silently that we didn't even know it was gone.
This fact isn't something I think of often. I just don't
like it. So I push it into the dark corners of my mind and lock it away there.
No, that girl doesn't exist. And I'm ok with that because
I'm pretty head over heels in love with the girl I've got! She's perfect the way she is!
what I choose to focus on instead is this...
She is ALIVE.
We are so BLESSED.
How did we spend this monumental day? Going to tennis lessons. Going out for
chocolate chip waffles. Playing cars on the living room floor. Going swimming
with wonderful friends who we know BECAUSE of diabetes.
Perfect, if you ask me!!
It wasn't that long ago that diabetes was a death
sentence. And not only do we still have our little girl alive and thriving
three years after her diagnosis, her future is
bright and promising!
She IS only SIX.
Twelve more years and she's an "adult".
College... On her own.... (scares the crap out of me, btw). But just think of
all that has happened in diabetes management and care in the past 12 years. Who
knows what's in store in the next?!?
We have HOPE.
I suppose the question is this...
Where do you put your emphasis?
From this day forward, Sweets has lived longer WITH
diabetes than WITHOUT.
That makes me sad.
From this day forward, Sweets has LIVED LONGER with
diabetes than without.
That one makes me want to celebrate!
From time to time, I have to come to terms with the first
one. It seems to be a bit of a continual thing... A process...
But I just have to keep putting the emphasis on the
living.
And the living is pretty darn spectacular.
Even with diabetes along for the ride.
Time sure flies, doesn't it. I like how you turned it into a look at the positive, that D can be a blessing and doesn't have to be sad. Yes, maybe it always will be. But I think we're better off because of it. Because we have to be. Your little Sweets is great, and no doubt she'll grow into even more greatness as the years go by (and who knows where we'll be in a decade or so!!).
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. Finally since my daughter was diagnosed two years four months ago my husband told me when he was in her room the other night checking her he broke down and cried. I've waited for him to stop pretending that its okay or normal how our lives have changed, and how sad and scared we are for her.
ReplyDeleteAn amazing milestone, indeed.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to not grieve for the kids they would have been, without D; but the kids they are WITH D are amazing and totally worth celebrating!!!
I don't know how yu do it every time. Every flipping time!
ReplyDeleteI am having one of THOSE days today where I loathe everything diabetes. I needed this post. Thank you.
This is simply beautiful!
ReplyDeletetotally relate....Emma will have lived half her life with this disease in 5 days....:o/
ReplyDelete